Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
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On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
When you’ve simply given up.
Called it
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Isn’t
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!