Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
DATE: I’m leaving
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.
Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
Find My Fish Son
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.