Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
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[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”