Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
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[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.