“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
