Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
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ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
dogs can find happiness so easily
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”