Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
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Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.