“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.