@diemadcraig I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
@robfee “Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
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@diemadcraig 
@myunclesmemes Tier 3 meme
@Tbone7219 If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
@Jermaine1st So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
@goodgrief_rats What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
@DaddyJew [at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
@hyperblastchic My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
@impaulmccoy Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
@TheCatWhisprer I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
@3sunzzz Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?