Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I hate when that happens.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man