Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
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I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie