@DanMentos

“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and

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@ArfMeasures

COP: Are you drunk?

ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*walks in a perfectly straight line*

COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

@jjhartinger

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

@TheBoydP

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@DestineyLynn

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

@cottoncandaddy

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

@chrisdowning

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

@thepunningman

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics