Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.

You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭

this is the best day of my life

Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”

I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.

Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys

Friend: pls stop curling children

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.

People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?