HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
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Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
jesus, what did this guy do
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”