“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
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Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.