“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?