Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
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🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere