Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
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Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
good let them take over I have had enough
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house