Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
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What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
me hitting on a model
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.