Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.