HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it