“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
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Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
I identify as an antique shop.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
This guy gets it.
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.