“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
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11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.