Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Smallpox sounds so adorable
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
When someone says you are so lazy