Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
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5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”