“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I might carry a baby with one hand.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence