Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Huge, if true.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.