Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
You Might Also Like
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it