Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
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Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.