“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Time for evil
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.