hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
When I said I liked it rough.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
2023 was just a warmup
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free