hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
You Might Also Like
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album