Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen