Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
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Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
time for some seasonal decor
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead