[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]

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Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*


2017: It can’t get worse than this

DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment


I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.


*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”


Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?


I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’


I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.


Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.


Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.


[field sobriety test]

cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop

flamingo: oh hell yeah