[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
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If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
Oh we’ve met.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.