[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.