High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
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Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Peace was never an option
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
No. He’s not coming out to play
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.