*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
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The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*