High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
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You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If a snake ate a cake
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.