*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
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ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When news reporters do sports stories
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.