High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
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whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The struggle is real
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.