[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
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Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*