[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
You Might Also Like
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Cause of death: Zumba
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Is this a threat?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]