@Tommytoughstuff

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

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@withanewname

[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”

“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”

@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@carlyken

The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

@Probgoblin

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

@GrantTanaka

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies