[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.