[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
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Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there