High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
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Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
March 16
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
How dude HOW?!
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
me hooking up with my ex
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.