[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
do what now??
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Oops I deleted….
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?