High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
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Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
Meow
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
A dad and his duck
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.