[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Saturday
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
thanks auntie mary