[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
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I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Blew out my flip flop…
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Cinematography is my passion