[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
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If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
✌🏽
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]